What doesn´t kill you makes you stronger
I have now been here for 4 months, and I have survived. This has definitely been the toughest thing I ever done in my life, I don´t think I have ever been so down and never been so alone.
However it is true: What does not kill you makes you stronger.
The experience of falling, falling, falling and to feel that you can´t do this, there is no more energy sources pour from, you are ready to admit defeat, to give in, to give up, is so different when you are alone in a foreign land than from when that happens to you in your safe home environment.
I am quite sure that if this had happened to me in BCN I would have quitted, I would have given up, because I know there are people there who will catch me when I fall. Here I have no one so the only option is to keep fighting, If I fall here I will hit the ground, hard.
When you are standing there on the border staring down in the abyss feeling it staring back at you and you know that any second now you will fall you need to make your choice: Let go and just go free falling or take a step back and try to make a change, squees the last drops out of yourself to resist the temptation of the abyss.
I choose not to fall, I decided that to be able to cope with life here I needed to change my mind set. And somehow I did, I thought that if I would fall I would be sent to a therapist and what would that person say to me? Exactly the same things as I can say to myself. So instead of taking the path by therapy I just took control over my own mind and decided that if I wanted to make this work I first of all had to stop with the self-pity, then start focusing on not being bitter but finding every day one small little thing to be positive about. And the most important thing, jut decide: I can do this.
This helped, and above all it has helped me grow stronger. I have found strength inside myself when I thought I was down and out, I have pushed my limits so much further than I have ever even dreamt of being possible.
It is true what MØ says: We all need someone to lean on, I miss my friend and family more than words can say and how I wish I have had them here with me during this horrible times. But still I am happy I didn´t, I am happy I got this chance to test myself and that I could prove to myself I am so much stronger than I thought. And this journey aint over yet, I will still have so many chances to prove to myself that I will never ever admit defeat. That the only way is up, is keep moving, keep fighting. Never give up.