What doesn´t kill you makes you stronger

I have now been here for 4 months, and I have survived. This has definitely been the toughest thing I  ever done in my life, I don´t think I have ever been so down and never been so alone.
However it is true: What does not kill you makes you stronger.

The experience of falling, falling, falling and to feel that you can´t do this, there is no more energy sources pour from, you are ready to admit defeat, to give in, to give up, is so different when you are  alone in a foreign land than from when that happens to you in your safe home environment.
I am quite sure that if this had happened to me in BCN I would have quitted, I would have given up, because I know there are people there who will catch me when I fall. Here I have no one so the only option is to keep fighting, If I fall here I will hit the ground, hard.

 When you are standing there on the border staring down in the abyss feeling it staring back at you and you know that any second now you will fall you need to make your choice: Let go and just go free falling or take a step back and try to make a change, squees the last drops out of yourself to resist the temptation of the abyss.

I choose not to fall, I decided that to be able to cope with life here I needed to change my mind set. And somehow I did, I thought that if I would fall I would be sent to a therapist and what would that person say to me? Exactly the same things as I can say to myself. So instead of taking the path by therapy I just took control over my own mind and decided that if  I wanted to make this work I first of all had to stop with the self-pity, then start focusing on not being bitter but finding every day one small little thing to be positive about. And the most important thing, jut decide: I can do this.

This helped, and above all it has helped me grow stronger. I have found strength inside myself when I thought I was down and out, I have pushed my limits so much further than I have ever even dreamt of being possible.

It is true what MØ says: We all need someone to lean on, I miss my friend and family more than words can say and how I wish I have had them here with me during this horrible times. But still I am happy I didn´t, I am happy I got this chance to test myself and that I could prove to myself I am so much stronger than I thought. And this journey aint over yet, I will still have so many chances to prove to myself that I will never ever admit defeat. That the only way is up, is keep moving, keep fighting. Never give up.

New adventures

Time to update on my latest escape and adventures.
I am lucky enough to have an aunt with great taste in men. So she send down her ex-boyfriend to visit me: Olov He is travelling Asia for 5 weeks so my auntie suggested him to go visit me in KL for a week. And that was a sight for sore eyes, so fun to finally have a friend to go discover the big city with.

It was a bit nervous before he came since we never really hung out by ourselves before. But we did the right thing and started off by getting shit drunk at a house warming party, lucky enough he came on a Friday considering the close to death experience the day after hangover was. None of us have any recollection of  how we got home, we where at the party, we remember getting into a cab and next thing we remember is swimming around in my pool drinking beer and talking deep shit, as you do at 6 in the morning after way to much to drink. But that definitely broke the ice and the rest of the week we spent trying out rooftop terraces, eating indian food, shopping, beer beer and more beer and between all this we even managed to  go visit the Batu Caves.

Batu Caves is a Hindu temple located in a huge cave and outside there is an enormous statue of Lord Murugan - the god of war

To get into the caves you have to climb a high stair filled of monkeys. In the beginning I was afraid of them since I had heard stories of how they attack tourists and steal their stuff. But there was this incredibly cute baby monkey so my fear did not last very long, there is no sadness or fear a cute little baby animal cant cure.

Inside the caves are impressive, they are so big, there is a temple that is still in use by practician Hindu so meanwhile we where in there they had some kind of ceremony. Very interesting since I had never seen that live before.

So many things you are not allowed to do:

But this one only seems fair to me, why would you be allowed to exercise if you are not allowed to smoke?

Beside the temple cave there is also a dark cave, that can sound worth a visit so we checked it out. Turned out it was a dark cave and protective area of spiders, snails and occasionally snakes! No way I would go in there! So while Olov who is a brave man went for a tour I stayed outside watching the monkeys.

It was my first time hanging around monkeys, and even if I kept my distance I found them interesting to watch, they are so small but so strong. Climbing around the cliffs and trees and doing their monkey business.

After our adventure in the caves it was time for a bigger adventure: return to Koh Lipe, the paradise island I visited last year when I was in KL
Last time it was with my backpacking boss living in a bungalow on the beach. This time I wanted to do it my way, the safe an luxurious way. I guess Olov would have liked it better the way my boss does it, but I think I need to face my fears one step at the time so I wanted to live snake-safe this time. We booked this really nice hotel just by the beach with a cool pool with a pool bar! Can life get much better?

The weekend was total relax for me, drinking beer on the beach in the shadow of a palm tree while Olov went diving.

But eventually he came back safe and sound and we hit the beach bar and he introduced me to drinking bucket.. very dangerous indeed... Another night with fading memories and another morning when I wished I never was born.

Overall it was a wonderful little trip even though I had to walk snake roads and be on a beach full of leaves and branches that freaked me out. But in the end that is what I am here for: To face my fears, one step at the time. And a big thank you to Olov for putting up with me and all my freaking out and being paranoid, you are a true gentleman!

There and back again - Singapore

Life here is so totally different and this weekend I had another surrealistic experience. I went to Singapore on an 11h bus ride return to attend a charity gala for 5h

One of my bosses was participating in a boxing challenge that ends with a boxing gala: White  Collar Boxing It is a charity event with a silent auction and all the money raised goes to a children's hospital in Cambodia. So all good in da hood, all for a good cause. However the whole event was out of this world. For us to be there and support Joanne, the Boxer, our super-boss had bought several tables at the gala and arranged for a bus to take us there and back again.

The journey started in a bus going out of KL towards Singapore a t 13.00 Accidentally I had happened to go out with another of my bosses on Friday and he managed to get me shit drunk, so even if I was back at home already 12.00 Friday night I was not in my best shape on Saturday morning. I went up, made brunch and then I went back to bed to rest my eyes for a while. I dreamt I woke up 12.45 and had to stress like crazy, I could not find my bag etc. At 11.40 I woke up for real realising the dream was coming true, we where supposed to meet at the office at 12.00 so there was no way I could make it on time. Sweaty, hangover and red in my face I came running to the meeting point at12.20 so at least I did not miss the buss. But not the best start to an adventure.

For me it was a cool experience to go on a buss ride through Malaysia, jungle jungle everywhere. Very beautiful, very different. 

We stopped for food and to get changed and put our make up on in a place a long the road. We got 15 min to fix ourselves up for the gala, so that was a sweaty exercise. Before I was back on the bus again  I had lost most of my make up and it felt really weird hanging out on a buss in fancy dress and high heels.

Before and after make up, not that much difference

Just trying to make a fancier pose on the after pic, so at least I can pretend I look cool.

Singapore is a ver special country with very special laws and you get fined for basically everything:

1. Chewing gum is not allowed - fine

2. Littering not allowed - fine

3. Not crossing the street exactly on the zebra cross lines - fine

4. Having a car more then 15 years old - higher tax

5. You are not allowed to smoke anywhere - fine

Just to mention a few. This obviously leads to that the country is very nice and clean and you only see new cars on the road. But it also gives you a feeling of George Orwells 1984 - perfection leads to oppression.

Before crossing the boarder you need to through away your chewing gum and your smokes, even an open package of fags is considered smuggling. However the bus guy told us that sometimes if you ask nicely and are foreigner (european) they might let you keep your smokes, so I thought it was worth a shot. The custom person was very nice and friendly so I decided to ask him. After speaking some german - I made up my part since I don´t speak german, seems like a common mistake thinking all northern European speak german, not first time it happens - he let me bring my smokes over. So I now have cigaret smuggling on my merit list. Not that I really need my smokes that bad, but if you get the chance to do something illegal with the law workers consent you just gotta do it.

We arrived at the venue 1h late due to problems in the custom with one of the bus drivers, he was detained due to passport issue so we had to pick him up on our way home. I flipped when I saw the people there, the gowns the Armani suits... I quickly went from feeling over dressed on the bus to feeling completely under dressed, but luckily they let us in anyway. 

I have never been to a charity event before, in my world that is just not something me and the people I hangout with get invited to, I guess we are just to poor and not fancy enough. Strange feeling to be in the same room as people with money for real, and they where prepared to spend it, the Moet was flowing at all tables and at the silent auction the items was sold for fantasy prices. Never in my life have I seen so many trophy wives, surgically improved 20 something girls hanging on the arm of an older man. Totally surreal, you know these kind of things exists but to see them for real is just freaky. And never had I attended a boxing event either and I must say I loved it! Boxing is totally fun to watch live and if I get the chance I will go again. I even got so inspired I want to start boxing myself, probably not a good idea considering my current physical condition.

If your where rich enough you could buy an original print of Andy Warhol. It hurts my souls I am not

Or a signed t-shirt from Messi, that did not hurt a bit. Would not pay 1 cent for it his sweaty old clothes, but others where rally keen on getting their hands on it.

Food was amazing

And while in the moment, why not pretend everything is real and this car could be yours? At least for a photo

At 24.00 the bus picked us up again and off we went back to KL At 6.30 I was finally home and crashed into bed, full of a new experience and a new adventure. So after all this KL thing is not that bad from time to time, I get to do things I would never ever even come close to in real life.

Sunday Funday

As ya´ll know it has been just work and no play which makes Maggan a dull girl. So I decided there must be a change. So today was the day I treated myself to a luxurious spa treatment.
As everything here it becomes an adventure, Im so lost in this world and in this city so only how to get there becomes a challenge. Luckily there is an excellent taxi app where you book a taxi and they come immediately. The reason this app exists is because it is not safe to haul down a cab on the street. You will definitely get scammed and in worst case robbed. Even though I new it was safe I was still nervous since it is first time I use the app and since I am a coward afraid of most things in life I do for the first time. But no worries, everything went fine and I arrived safe and sound and not that much poorer to this amazing area in KL called Bangsar. Since I was so nervous about getting there I was 1.5h early for my appointment so not much more to do that to stroll around in the area, and what an area! This was exactly what I have been looking for. Only low rise, full of nice little shops, restaurants and cafes. Just the kind of place I wanted to live in.  However that would never be possible due to the distance, it takes about 1h with metro to get to my work from there, so it has to stay a dream. But so nice to finally find an area in KL I really like.

During my strolling around I ended up in a food market, as always amazing colours and super-cheap fruit and veggies. I loved to get this authentically KL experience, far from offices and high rise and sci-fi. The people there hardly spoke english but where nice and friendly, and Im starting to get used to the lingo here. If you ask a question the answer will either be: can-can or cannot. In this particular market there was a lot of can-can, so with me to the spa I brought a bag full of sunwarm mangos and delicious watermelon

After the market I had time for a quick coffee and then off to Paradise. Paradise also goes under the name of Hammam Spa. The idea is to offer a turkish bath house experience in KL and the treatment I choose was called "My favourite concubine" - a name that promise a lot.

The reception was nice and friendly, before entering you get to choose the oil you want for your massage and they explain the benefits. I choose a rose smelling one that would be relaxing.

You are then led to the changing room, very small, but they only let one in at the time for privacy reason. The you go to the waiting area where you lie resting in a pink chair. When it was my turn a very decisive Moroccan lady came and took me by the hand and led me into the room for my first treatment.

The room is like a steam sauna room but without the steam, in there you get pored water on you, and then the actual treatment a rough body scrub bgins. Ok, I knew Im not the cleanest lady in da hood but when I saw the amount of dead skin she scrubbed of my body even I was shocked... 

I also realised being washed by someone is a very intimate action, I have never been cleaned and scrubbed by a stranger before so at first I was a bit uncomfortable. Especially since you are not alone in the room, they take two at the time. But my lady was obviously not bothered at all, she handled my body with secure, careful but firm hands as if it was the most natural thing in the world so then I relaxed and just enjoyed.

When my body was cleaner than it has ever been I was led out to the pink chairs agin and offered tea. The girl who had the same treatment was led to the same place and started talking to me. It turned out her name is Jean, she is Malaysian and really really nice. We talked away the time until we where called in to out last treatment, this time we got separate rooms and was each offered a 45min heavenly massage. Afterwards we met again, had tea and decided to exchange numbers. So strangely enough I made my first friend here lying half naked getting roughly scrubbed. But I guess there is stranger ways to meet people.

Today was truly a Sunday Funday, and in the taxi home I felt a slight hint of happiness. And maybe I fell a little bit in love with KL

What makes it worth it all

So after all my whining yesterday I feel so much better today, I guess I just needed to get it out of me. Thank you all for listening.
So now I want to tell you what makes it worth it all. As I already told we went drunk and decided to go to Perhentian islands last weekend.  (Perhentian Islands - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

We booked a plane super early on Saturday morning so very tired we got into a taxi towards the airport at 4.30 in the morning. On our way there my Boss told that someone told him that this is actually monsoon period in the Perhetian´s so the hotel would probably be closed. And if it was opened it was very likely it would rain all the time, and that there would not be any alcohol served at the hotel, and maybe if we got there we would not be able to get back... So facing this horrible scenario of being stuck on an island in the rain with out even some liquor to ease the pain we started to contemplate of just not going. The trip was rally cheap so in the end of the day we would just loose like 100€ each, but be safe and warm and close to beer in KL.
Anyhow somehow we decided to go for it, what the heck you need to be adventurous right and take chances?  So off we went, with Air Asia, scariest air line on earth considering their latest statistics in accidents, but if your going wild why not go all in?

We landed safely after a short flight and then it was next adventure, to get a taxi to the port from where our shuttle speed boat would pick us up and drive us over to paradise. Thankful for travelling with my Boss who is an experienced back packer he organised it all while I was focusing on getting breakfast, You who know me well know how obsessed I am with breakfast and that I refuse to basically do anything in the morning before I get food. So I had a nice cup of tea and some samosas while he organised the next step of our ride. I am seriously thinking to myself, how will I ever manage to travel on my own? Well maybe if I do it in a decent hour, after breakfast, but still...

The taxi ride was about an hour but I loved every second, it was so cool to ride through the Malaysian  country side with cows and goats and monkeys eating, jumping, running around. I realised I am actually in another world, everything is so different here I get the sensation of being separated from reality. I can´t believe it is real, I am really here.

In the port next adventure, find the travel agency where we would get our boat passes, nothing is never easy here and once again I was so happy to travel aside my Boss. I would have freaked out if I was on my own,  I'm definitely not used to the way of the road here. But the port was beautiful, I just love the colours and the simplicity of things.

Next step of the journey was speed boat over to the actual island and that was an adventure indeed. Boat was small and full of happy Malaysian youngsters going on vacations, (even though it´s only me looking happy in the pic) we flew over the waves and bumped down so hard on the sea you would think the boat would break. But it didn´t and finally we reached our final destination: Paradise.

What to say about the island? Not much, you know we landed there and it was just peace, the place almost empty, the sand white, the water crystalline. We got a bungalow straight on the beach and I had the best siesta of my life, sleeping in a chair on our veranda, listening to the sound of the sea and of the jungle. I slept for like 4h then down to the beach again, sun, swim and then it was already beer o´clock. So yes, not to worry there where no monsoon and there was liquor to be found on the island, so in the end it was all good in da hood!

View from the reception

View from the bungalow

View from the veranda

View from the beach

View from the bar (N.B Danish flag)

View from our way from the bar (N.B Swedish flag)

Night falls on paradise

Beer time in paradise

Moonlight over paradise

The next day we where off back to KL and reality again, but on our way back we stopped by an Buddhist community with a giant Buddha. And once again the magic of Asia made it self reminded. After all, this beauty, these contrasts, these paradise islands just around the corner is what makes it worth it all.