tisdag 25 mars 2014

So this is who I am?

My last days of KL have come. Time has passed by so quickly that I hardly have noticed that I was here. And at the same time I have experienced so much.
It has been a challenging a developing journey for me both professionally (after all I have spent the majority of mi time here in the office) and personally. Now it´s time to draw some conclusions.

I think that for me this has been as well a journey into myself, into my fears. It has changed my conception of myself,  I have realized how scared I am as a person. I have always thought of myself as somewhat adventurous. On one had I guess that is true, I almost never back out of a challenging situation or to try something new. But on the other hand I have realized that I have too much imagination for my own good. And that my imagination is no good for me.

I realised this already when I was in Sweden before going here, that I had watched to many horror movies and listened to too many radio documentaries about murder. I was constantly imagining bad things that could happen. For example, laying in bed at night I imagined how all of the sudden I would feel a hand touch my feet (reference to The Conjuring) I could not stop thinking about it and got myself all worked up.

The same thing happens here, when I was on the motorcycle in Thailand I could not stop seeing for my inner eye how the wheels would fall of, the breaks would stop to work and what would happen then. The same at the pool last night, I was alone and it was 8.30 pm I could not relax because I was seeing how a snake would enter the water and start to swim towards me or how a man would come there and rape me.

I don´t think it is normal to be always afraid, always seeing potential danger in every situation. I have never known I am like this. In my safety zoon in BCN I am almost never afraid, I walk home alone at night, I have no issues by being alone in different situations. But apparently I can´t handle being out of my safety-zone.

During this whole trip I have tried to face my fears, to challenge myself and I think I have done a good job.  Going to Thailand was a big scare for me, but I did it. Being alone in KL and finding my way around was also scary, but I did not let that stop me, I went out any way. So I guess I am not a hopeless case, I just have to work with myself and my fears. Realize why I am like this, and try to take control.  I hope I will not forget to challenge myself when I am back in my sweet, beloved safety-zone BCN.

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